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Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglass and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France.
Mr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother?
Stan: Well, neither one. It's my sister.
Mr. Garrison: Your sister? For God's sake, quit being such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy, little fu-fu problems. And give me back my cocoa!
Mrs. Broflowski: Mr. Garrison, you're a Clan member?
Mr. Garrison: No no, Mr. Hat is.
Mr. Hat: White power! White power!
Mr. Garrison: You are such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.
Tom: You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want. [Tom touches the screen, and Mr. Garrison's face pops up, then a side view emerges]
Mr. Garrison: Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. [a crowd of women is heard coming Garrison's way]
Mr. Garrison: What the…? [the women appear and mob Mr. Garrison] Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah. [they rip open his shirt] Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself! [Mr. Hat flies out of the fray]
Mr. Garrison: And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492 …
Kyle: [walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle. No!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mr. Garrison: Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.