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Thomas: [stands in line behind Cartman] Cockbutt! Augh... Stupid shit!
Cartman: [turns around and glares at Thomas] Are you talkin' to me?!
Thomas: NO. Cocknose!
Cartman: What's your problem, kid?!
Mom: Oh, a-I'm sorry. [Thomas backs away a bit] My... son Thomas has Tourette's Syndrome. [a crowd begins to gather around them]
Thomas: Mom, let's just go. Shhhit!
Mom: People with Tourette's can't control certain tics. It's it's like a sneeze.
Thomas: Asshole ASSHOLE.
Cartman: [waves his arms around] Wait waitwait whoa whoa whoa. You're telling me there's an illness that makes you blurt out obscenities?
Thomas: Mom, can we just go home, please?
Mom: It's okay, Thomas. They understand.
Thomas: I want tuh go! [throws down his action figure and walks off, his hands over his mouth] Shitfag!
Man 1: Poor kid.
Cartman: [turns around and faces the crowd] All right, hold on just a second here: Are you telling me that if you have this Tourette's Syndrome you can say whatever you want, all the time, and never get in trouble?
Clerk: It's a neurological disorder; he can't help it.
Man 1: Yeah! [Cartman blinks - CHING! He begins to think: "I've got a golden ticket... I've got a golden"]
Cartman: Twinkle in my eye. [turns and heads for the entrance] haha. HahaHAAhahahaha. [throws his action figure into the air and runs out the door]
Clerk: Hey don't you wanna buy that toy?
Cartman: I don't need the toy! I've found something better! [dances away] 'Cause I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden change to make my way!
Mrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric has become such a distraction I, I don't think I can teach my class anymore.
Principal Victoria: I understand it's been difficult, Mrs. Garrison, and so, Mr. Donaldson has come from the Tourette's Tolerance and Understanding Foundation. [Mr. Donaldson walks into view]
Mr. Donaldson: Hello Mrs. Garrison- [turns his head to the left] Ass. ASS. [recovers] I want to help your class better understand this illness. [turns his head to the left] Piss!
Kyle: [walks into the office, with Cartman following] No! Up yours, fatboy!
Cartman: Kyle please! I'm sorry!
Kyle: Principal Victoria, there's something you need to know! Cartman's Tourette's isn't real! He's faking!
Mr. Donaldson: Faking? [Kyle is sure he's got Cartman on the hook] You think people with Tourette's are faking?!
Kyle: [his certainty gone] N-no, I'm just saying that I think-
Mr. Donaldson: Do you have any idea how horrible that is to say? [turns his head to the left] Ass! ASS! [recovers] We aren't "faking", young man. Trust me, nobody wants this illness, ass. [turns his head to the left] PISS! PIIISS!
Cartman: That's right, Kyle. [turns his head to the left, where Kyle happens to be] Crap-filled vagina!
Mr. Donaldson: This is the kind of intolerance you teach at this school, Principal Victoria?!
Principal Victoria: No.
Mr. Donaldson: This if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take this "bully" to see that Tourette's is very real. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left now is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks into view and bats his eyes at Kyle sweetly. Kyle does not appreciate this]
Gerald: Well Kyle?
Kyle: [grudgingly] I'm sorry.
Cartman: Oh, what was that? I I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
Kyle: [grudgingly, louder] I'm sorry.
Cartman: You're starry? I I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because uh I don't want it?
Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of sh- [stops himself]
Cartman: Oh, oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle. Now I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douchebag! And it means a lot that you're standing here apologizing with your dad and lovely mother. [looks at Gerald and Sheila] Fat Jew! Jew bitch!
Sheila: Oh, thank you Eric.
Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike! [Sheila laughs nervously]
Mr. Donaldson: Well I thnk we can all put this behind us now. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss out my aaass!
Cartman: Yeah. Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [thumps his chest and clears his throat] Oh goodness, 'scuse me. Jeez, that was a bad one. [starts to walk away] Well, gotta run, everybody. Got some big things in the works. [stops to whisper to Thomas] Isn't having Tourette's awesome? [leaves]
[A Dateline commercial. Dateline graphics come up]
Announcer: Next week on Dateline NBC: it's a Dateline special report.
Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen. You probably know me from To Catch A Predator, where we bust men looking for sex with children.
[a clip from that show]
Hansen: Go ahead and take a seat. Take a seat right over there.
Predator: Oh God, Whoa no.
Hansen: What are you doin' here?
Predator: I'm just' bein' stupid, I guess.
[retun to the current show, with graphics indicating the change of focus from pedophiles to Tourette's]
Hansen: But now we're switching our focus from pedophiles to Tourette's syndrome. It all started when I received this touchng letter from a brave little boy in Colorado.
[doing a voice-over of the letter]
Dear Mr. Hansen
I have Tourettes
and I want the world
to understand what it's
like. Won't you do a
special report on me, so
that the world can learn
to ACCEPT us instead of
just laugh? Donkey boner!!!
[he doesn't say his name, as shown in the note]
Cartman: [Mr. Donaldson adjusts the mic to his height] Thanks, everybody. Suck my balls! [applause rises from the crowd] You've all been so understanding and supportive of my illness. Jews bomber dick sneeze. And it is because of you... that I have the courage to go on national television tonight. Titty sprinkles. [applause rises from the crowd]
Craig: If I could say "titty sprinkles" on national television I would be sooo happy.
Cartman: And I also just want to say that... I'm making this all up! [startled by his own words, then covers his mouth as the crowd falls silent.] Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad. [turns away from the mic and mumbles] What the hell is going on?
Mr. Mackey: Uhit's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay?
Cartman: No hey ut what, what I meant to say was "asslicker cumballs." And uhh, [helplessly] I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson! [covers his mouth]
Cartman: [clambors offstage] Uhuh, excuse me I, I need a toilet! Bathroom! Bathroom! [runs through the crowd]
[The mens room. Cartman runs in and heads for the sink. Butters is pissing at the urinal and his pants are at his ankles. Cartman washes his face.]
Butters: [does a double take and smiles] Uh hey Eric!
Cartman: [finishes up and looks at Butters] Butters, do you think it's possible that you can lose the ability to filter what you say?  I mean, if somebody got used to saying whatever came to their mind, could they start saying things that they would normally never say?
Butters: Wuh who are you talking about?
Cartman: Uh, my cousin. My cousin one time my cousin and I touched wieners. [he covers his mouth in horror as Butters is stunned] Wah! [faces Butters]
Butters: You... you and your cousin touched wieners?
Cartman: I didn't say that YES I DID BUT WHY? Oh! Stop it! [runs out of the restroom]
[The dining area. Cartman runs through the crowd]
Cartman: Excuse me! Excuse me, I gotta go! I gotta run!
Liane: Is there a problem, sweetie?
Cartman: [turns around and faces her] No, no problem. I just need to- my cousin and I touched each other's [struggles to keep control] AAAA no, NAAAA! [he's got the crowd's attention] I just... no I... I just want to thank everyone for coming- my cousin and I touched wiener- we wiener we, weenter! Winter is a cold time of year. [now composed] Ah, I need to be going now.
Mr. Mackey: Well all right Eric. Well good luck on Dateline tonight.
Cartman: [apprehensive] Dateline. Right. [backs away but can't control his statements] I wet my b-AAA! I touched my cousin's WEE-NUH! This sure has been fun! G'bye! [runs out the door with his hands firmly over his mouth]
Cartman: Jesus Christ. How did I get myself into this? [walks to a nearby table and begins to pray] God? Please uh, I know I screwed up. I should have never pretended to have Tourette's Syndrome, but see, ah I get it now. You can't just walk around saying whatever you want. You gave us a filter because, people don't wanna hear things like "I touched penises with my cousin!" [covers his mouth quickly] Ahaab, ahaabuh. And, and I learned, you especially can't say whatever you want on national televison, 'cause, there could be kids watching. Please, God, don't make me embarrass myself on national television. You... must see how this is all somewhat your fault, right? Please, I need a miracle.
[KSPC Channel 4, outside, night, moments after the program began. Kyle jumps into view wearing dark camouflage and a headset at the parkng lot entrance]
Kyle: Tango, this is Foxtrot. Are you in position?
Thomas: [using a walkie talkie] Copy Foxtrot. Tango in position. Awww shit!
Kyle: You sure you don't wanna back out?
Thomas: Nono, you were right. The fat kid is faking it! If he goes on TV, more people will think that having Tourette's is fun. Asshole shit!
Kyle: All right, then we go with the plan. Just like "To Catch A Predator." [a light brown car pulls in] The first guy is here. This is probably HotForBoys219. [the car stops and Thomas looks around]
HotForBoys219: [walks up to Thomas] Hi, are you CuteBilly182?
Thomas: Yeah. I was chatting with you online. SHIT!
HotForBoys219: [shaking with excitement] Oh God, I'm so turned on right now. This is your house? Your, your parents aren't home, are they?
Thomas: N-no, it's cool. Go on inside. I made brownies. SHIT! I'm just gonna slip into something more comf'table. COCK!
HotForBoys219: [dances by] Okay. Cock! Don't take too long. [laughs and prances into the studio]
[The studio set. The opening segment is fnished.]
Hansen: So now let's meet a child who haaas Tourette's Syndrooome, and who must fi- [the audience doors open and HotForBoys219 prances down the aisle laughing]
HotForBoys219: Ho, whoa, wait a minute. This ain't no house.
Hansen: [stands up angrily] What are you doing?!
HotForBoys219: [gasps and hides his face] Chris Hansen?! Oh no, it's a setup! I knew it!
Hansen: Sir, why don't you take a seat, right over there.
HotForBoys219: Now everyone's gonna know I'm a perv! Whoa! [takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head. Nearby audience members move away, and the audience gets restless]
Hansen: Aw, not again.
[The green room. Cartman paces back and forth. The door opens and Kyle walks in]
Kyle: Surprise, fatass!
Cartman: Kyle, what are you doing?
Kyle: I went online posing as a boy who would have sex with older men, and told them to meet me here. My plan worked perfectly! [car horns blare outside, and Kyle goes to take a look. The parking lot quickly fills up as drivers park and leave their cars.] Whoa.
[Outside. Thomas sees the pedophiles coming and motions them into the studio]
Pedo 2: [walks up to Thomas and waves a Wendy's bag in front of him] Hey, I brought you some Wendy's.
Thomas: Yeah yeah, go on in. There's a hot tub inside. STUPID SHIT!
Pedo 2: Score! [goes inside]
[The studio set. The driver stops in his tracks]
Pedo 2: Oh no, it's Chris Hansen! [drops his meal and shoots himself]
Audience Members: Whoa! Who is that? What's going on?
Hansen: What the hell is going on?!
Pedo 3: Wait a minute. Oh God, it's Chris Hansen! [shoots himself]
Pedo 4: Chris Hansen! [shoots himself]
Pedo 5: Dateline?! [shoots himself]
Pedo 6: I knew it! [shoots himself]
Pedo 7: There aren't really brownies! [shoots himself. More pedophiles enter and kill thenselves, and the audience begins rushing out of the studio]
[Outside. Chris Hansen finds Thomas.]
Hansen: Hey! Do you have something to do with this? Answer meee!
Thomas: Stupid shit! Cock! [more audience members rush by]
Hansen: What?! Nobody talks to me like that! Why don't you take a seat? Take a seat, right over there.
Thomas: Suck it! Asshole licker dickfart!
Hansen: Fine, you lil- I'll, I'll tell on you! [leaves, and there are no other adults left]
Craig: [walks up to Thomas] Wow, you're the coolest kid in the world. If I could call Chris Hansen an asshole-licking dickfart to his face, I would be sooo happy.
Thomas: You would?
Craig: Could I just like, hang out with you sometime? Like, do your laundry maybe?
[The studio set. It's dim, and Cartman and Kyle walk onto the set.]
Kyle: [feeling triumphant] Take a look, fatass! I beat you! You aren't going on Dateline; whatt have you got to say now?! [Cartman is silent for a moment, then hugs Kyle and sobs. Kyle wasn't expecting this]
Cartman: Oh thank you! Thank you Kyle!
Cartman: I asked God to send someone to help me, and you came, Kyle! I love you man!
Kyle: No ah I beat you!
Cartman: You totally saved my ass, Kyle. You must... really care about me. See you Kyle! I gotta get to a psychiatrist and learn to control what I say! [heads up the aisle and out of the studio] I got a golden ticket! Thanks to Kyle! I got a golden twinkle in my eye! [Kyle is alone on set, but Thomas comes up and stands next to him]
Thomas, Kyle: Aww shit!